Good Therapy – Finding the Right Fit
In my position, I have the good fortune to meet a lot of clinicians, whether it is through networking or through the interviewing and hiring process. And with this experience, I have learned a fundamental truth about our field: You cannot pay someone to truly care. I point this out as the reference point for beginning your search for a good therapist, one who will truly help you through the periods of struggle in life. If you scour the internet, you will find a great deal of valuable information explaining different types of schools, credentials, trainings; about finding someone covered by insurance or within a reasonable proximity. While all of those are important, they inform very little about what it will actually be like to connect with a therapist.
Significant research has been conducted in the last 10-15 years identifying that only two primary characteristics are important for “good” therapy, one is if you truly feel trust or an authentic connection with the therapist and second, do you sincerely feel they have your best interest at heart with a focus on your goals. We often look to therapists who seem to have a deep technical or theoretical understanding of psychology or how to conceptualize the problems you are facing, which is necessary; and a great therapist will also be able to have a deep compassion and empathy for you. They will work toward not only understanding the complexities of your experience, they will also frame feedback and guidance in a way that is easily digestible to you. They don’t simply solve the problems, like you are a puzzle; rather they prioritize gaining an appreciation of what a day in your head or heart is like.
There is a stereotype that therapists are blank slates that listen attentively (or not! Yikes!) and ask questions that help you come to your own conclusions. Sometimes that is necessary, and I can’t think of one important relationship in my life that would be so unilateral. I find that the best therapists I know, and most clients seem to prefer, are ones who are willing to be open with you. They allow for appropriate self-disclosure and transparency with their thoughts and feelings, while maintaining appropriate clinical boundaries. They may use examples from their lives or meaningful stories to help normalize experiences or illustrate how to work through steps of healing. You are an interesting person with an important story, and a therapist who is a good fit for you will be incredibly curious about your troubles and hopes, how you got to where you are and intricacies of the change you want to create in your life. They are good models of vulnerability and do not close themselves off from the genuine emotion that is regularly present in a session. Finally, a good therapist is willing to read between the lines and fill in gaps. If you knew how to solve all of problems in your life you obviously wouldn’t be seeking support. A great therapist is willing to help you uncover the “whys and how’s” of your life, sometimes taking the risk to call out elephants in the room, with enough humility to admit when they are wrong. A therapist who is a good fit for you will help you find the kernel of truth in why you hurt and help you find the path, not solely push you to change. You need to know and feel you actually matter to them.
As you continue your search, you want to ensure that if you have a particular struggle for which you are seeking help, be sure the therapist has experience in this area, or is willing to educate himself or herself. Graduate school teaches us very general practices, so for areas such as trauma, postpartum depression, complex family issues, etc., ensure they have specialized training in these subjects. Ultimately, I encourage you to trust your instincts. If you ever feel you are not getting what you need, move on. There are likely reasons, as sometimes it is just not a good fit. And, when you find a therapist that is a good for you and what you need, stick with it. I can be one of the most important and valuable relationships in your life.
